So, I read Myriad’s blog today, and I was going to post a comment, but then I decided that I agreed with her so much that I would just write my own damn post.
Myriad was saying how her parents can be difficult to live with. And no offense, but I remember her dad saying some things at Thanksgiving that was like “WTF? How has Myriad not murdered him in his sleep yet?” This time, however, she was more upset about the lectures.
And let me tell you, I know exactly how you’re feeling.
My mom was in town for less than a week. Tuesday evening until Saturday morning. So in those … let’s say three and a half days, I don’t think I ever managed to spend more than two hours with her without her bringing up diets and my weight.
First off, she had told me that she would give me $100 if I stopped drinking soda for 3 months. And I had stopped. I only ever had a soda if we went to Panera, which was maybe once a week. Still waaaaaaaaaaay better than I had been doing. Now, at some point my mom seemed to think that I was planning on quitting caffeine (not sure why, but that was never the deal). So, we’re driving back from the airport (LITERALLY WE HAD NOT EVEN MADE IT HOME YET. SERIOUSLY?) and she was asking me how it’s been going not drinking soda. Fine. “How’s it going not having caffeine?” Well, I’m still having caffeine. “I thought the point was to not have caffeine” (stern look). We never agreed on that. “So how are you getting the caffeine, then?” (note the sternness, that’s the italics, hasn’t gone away) Well, I’m taking Slimquick.
Cue obnoxiously long conversation about how I shouldn’t and how I don’t care I’m gonna do it anyway. Don’t ask. I’m taking slimquick. Deal with it.
Mind you, my mom’s flight came in at 6:30pm. So I left my house at 4pm, and I knew that I’d be driving for like 5+ hours. So I bought a Coke at the rest area on my way out. And got to meet a super cute dog there. Dog aside, as soon as my mom saw that I had a coke in the car, she got super obnoxious about it.
For a time reference, she noticed the coke as soon as we got back into the car after dinner. We stopped for dinner about half an hour in. Which means that the first conversation happened within half an hour of her seeing me. Which means the first half an hour went something like this: Hi! This is St. Louis, the traffic was crazy. “Well, my flight was good.” Oh look, there’s the arch. “Oh, I wish I had my camera. Can we stop to eat soon?” Yeah, let’s get out of the city. “Ok. How’s it going not drinking soda?” And cue obnoxiousness.
Hmm … at this point I should probably stop and finish my homework. BUT I’M NOT GONNA.
So the next day, I woke up, showed my mom how to use netflix, went to class, grabbed my lunch, and then went to work. When I got home we went to the grocery store. She picked up some chips and salsa and was like, “wanna get some chips? I know you’re on a diet.” I’m not on a diet. “You’re taking diet pills but you’re not on a diet?”
See, I kinda feel like, maybe if I take the pills, not only will I be getting caffeine which I desperately need to survive, but I might even lose weight while still eating whatever the hell I want! Win-win!
She also kept asking me about what I’m doing for exercise, and how much I’m exercising, and then telling me about how she’s exercising, and I should make sure to exercise, and she exercises multiple days a week, and I should go to the gym, and do any of my roommates go to the gym? (Definitely had this conversation in the car on the way home from the airport. But I also had it more than once.) And have I lost weight? I look like I’ve lost weight.
For the past three years or so, every time I see my mom, she asks me if I lost weight, because it looks like I’ve lost weight. Usually, no. I’ve usually GAINED weight. So all I can think is, she must just think I’m a fucking whale, because then when she sees me and I’m not ready to provide some Eskimoes enough light for the winter, clearly I must have lost weight! And then she leaves, and goes back to picturing Free Mitu jumping over the fucking ocean and the cycle starts again.
Mind you, this time I have actually lost some weight. In fact, MY BOOBS ARE SHRINKING. I CAN BUY BRAS AT KOHL’S. Well, they had one that fit. But that’s better than it was before.
Anyway, the entire time my mom was here, she kept bringing it up: diets, exercise, my weight, etc. Even my roommates noticed that she was being really harsh.
And then she made me dinner. Which, if you’ve ever eaten at my mom’s house, you will know that her portion sizes can feed a third-world country. SO OF COURSE I EAT A SHIT-TON OF FOOD. I’VE BEEN PROGRAMMED SINCE CHILDHOOD TO DO SO. You know, I wish I could get away with eating as little as Myriad. But seriously, I think I’d starve! I eat like twice as much as her! I’m also like twice her size. But I AM NOT A FUCKING WHALE. I have a larger body and frame and I will probably never weigh less than 150lbs (I’m nowhere near that right now, let’s be honest), even though that’s what I’m “supposed” to weigh according to my height. Because I do not have a thin frame. GET OVER IT.
Sadly, with all the wonderful conversations about all the things I should do to lose weight, I still managed to have a bajillion other conversations about my mother’s other favorite topic: my future.
Don’t even get me started.
So, Myriad, to sum up: I get it. Parents are crazy. My mom every now and then pulls up my ex-boyfriend (who admittedly was an asshole) and reminds me about he was “not good for me”. Yeah, I kinda figured that one out, thanks. It just kinda makes you wonder … don’t they have their own life that they can think about once in a while? Why do they always have to worry about the stupid shit in our pasts that don’t even matter anymore? Move on.
And to put the grouchy teenager back in her cage … just remember, I’m coming to visit! Aaaaaaaaaaand my train leaves MI at 8:30 which will feel like 7:30 cause it’s daylight savings time which will feel like 6:30 cause it’s in the Eastern Time Zone which means I have to get up at what feels like 4:00 or something so I can get up and dressed and check out of the hotel and get to the train station which means I’m gonna get to your house and probably fall asleep. Just wake me up in time for dinner.
PS: I got so frustrated that as soon as my mom left I started drinking soda again. AND IT’S DELICIOUS.